As soon as the ‘shaadi season’ arrives, you start receiving invitations to your susrali weddings. No, you don’t get the invitations (usually), your saas and susar receive them and don’t be surprised if one day as you go downstairs and greet your saas, you find her sitting right there, on her favorite sofa, scanning a shiny wedding invitation card with her peering eyes behind her thick round spectacles.
Also, don’t be surprised because the moment you dare to ask her, “What is it?” She’d go in a plain commanding voice, “Saliha Phupho ke baitay ki shadi hai.” Subko bulaya hai. Apnay miaan ko bata dena 10 din hain abhi. Apni meeting kay bahanay na karne lag jaye aur haan, tum bhi apni maa kay ghar jaanay ki baat na karna.”
Now, fast forward 10 days, you go to attend the wedding. Here is what you can expect to overhear these aunties say in ‘Saliha Phupho ke baitay ki shadi’:
01. Itna bara gala, tauba tabua!
Now, this is our cultural problem. We are more concerned about doosri larkio kay galay than our own daughter’s chhoti and sleeveless choli. The moment their daughter with revealing pait and sleeveless choli comes in the limelight, this aunty starts distracting her gossip clan by redirecting their attention towards the most beautiful girl in the wedding hall by saying, “Haw haye, iss khoobsoorti ka kya faida? Itna bara gala…tauba tauba!”
02. Saliha Baji toh gaeen
Saliha Phupho ke baitay ki shadi can offer a lot more opportunities to all the aunties who either detest Saliha Phupho or her son. Her jealous sentences about Saliha Phupho ki bari bahu might strike your ears too; “Suna hai 1 bajay so ke uthti hai in ki bari bahu. Saliha Baji toh gaeen.”
03. Mama, washroom jana hai
Nightmare alert! The worst and most annoying sentence that you should expect to hear at Saliha phupho ke baitay ki shadi is, “Mama, washroom jana hai.” Don’t expect this would end after ten minutes. If you happen to sit with your husband’s cousin and her 3 kids, expect this to last the whole time till the venue management decides to switch off the lights.
04. Aik plate mujhe bhi bana ke laa do
So you’re done with the main course and happily stand up to get to the dessert table that out of nowhere your saas makes a beckoning sign meaning, ‘idher aao’. You listen to her and head to the khhanay ki table to bring her the dessert, that suddenly an aunty who had been silently observing you for quite a while, grabs your arm and says, “Beta, aik plate mujhe bhi bana ke laa do!”
05. Beta, 500 ka note hai?
Shadi and no salami? You got to keep at least 3 extra 500 ke note. Because you never know as soon as you get off the stage, an aunty might start asking in a louder and embarrassing tone, “Beta, 500 ka note hai?” Believe me this will be more embarrassing for you than her! So, pay heed.
06. Aik he muhallay mein rehtay hain. Lagta hai love marriage hai
Here come the judgmental group of aunties whose 70% time is spent in proclaiming that “Lagta hai ye toh love marriage hai. Aik he muhallay mein rehtay hain.” And the other 30% of their time is spent in enjoying shadi ka khana and discussing how extra sweet the Zarda was and how few bottiaan (meat) they found in the Biryani.
07. Dulhan jahez mein kya kya laee hai?
Same women, same gossip. This is a must-listen-to sentence…when Saliha Phupho ki nand would be divulging to a group of aunties how much jahez the dulhan has brought along. The sentences might sound like this, “Kuch khabar rakha karein na. Abhi tak yeh nahi pata ke dulhan jahez mein kya kya laee hai?”
08. Dulha to lagta hai bichh he gaya hai.
Poor dulha. If he shares his khushi and even smiles a little that too when the photographer asks him to, he is labeled as zann-mureed and your saas may go, “Dulhe ko dekho, hansta he jaa raha hai. Lagta hai yeh to bichh he gaya hai…”
09. Rukhsati pe to bilkul nahi roee, Besharam!
Now the rukhsati moment, a moment where you try your level best to hold back your tears and try not to get so emotional and that too on someone else’s rukhsati. But wait, this is 2020! The girls are empowered, independent, and career-oriented. Chances are the bride may not ‘cry’ while her parents wed her off. And as soon as the bride’s car door is closed, one aunty may say, “Rukhsati pe to bilkul he nahi roee, Besharam!”
10. Beta, Model Town jaa rhe ho? Humain rastay mei drop kerte jao
As soon as you thank God that the event is over and now you can go with your husband to an ice-cream parlor to satisfy your late-night sweet cravings, and enjoy a romantic drive, one aunty might approach your husband and say, “Beta, Model Town jaa rhe ho na? Humara ghar udher he hai. Humain raastay mei drop kerte jao.”