In our previous post we talked about some common fights or better say “tussles” and their reasons that we see in a woman’s Susral. Today we bring to you some common easy solutions to those problems. Remember for any solution to work out, one needs to analyze her/his circumstances. Also, this post, by no means, suggests that solving issues is only one entity’s job. When we talk about issues our women face at Susral, we do suggest that directly or indirectly the issues are the couple’s issues and do not remain the woman’s issues anymore. So, it is important for the couple to work out the solutions together and be at the same page.
In our previous post we discussed various different reasons that breed many serious issues for the couple and especially ‘the Bahu’ at Susral.
One of the key contributing factors is lack of communication and understanding especially in the early days of marriage. These seemingly frivolous ambiguities and differences in beliefs lead to some serious tussles.
As a newlywed couple, it is important for both husband and wife to discuss and agree upon their financial duties.
Let’s look at some solutions:
It is important to acknowledge that once a woman marries a man who lives with his parents, and is financially independent enough to marry a woman, he should be contributing to the household expenses, be it a joint family system or an independent family. If the case is the opposite, the parents should (according to their circumstances) support their son until he is financially independent. Clearly discuss the roles, responsibilities as to who will earn, how much will be earned, primary and secondary sources of income and financial responsibilities. It is important to discuss the money matters with regards to expenses, budget, pocket money, and financial contribution as this helps weed out many potential conflicts even before they arise. In the same manner, it is important for the couple to set their priorities regarding spending, saving, loans, food and other expenses.
Conflicts arising as a result of differences in opinions and beliefs about parenting can also be resolved. Only if tackled in a smart way. It is primarily the couple’s decision to plan when they want to have a baby. It is usually observed that during the first year of marriage the Bahu is bombarded with family planning questions from all the relatives – her own Maikay Walay and her Susralis. “Khushkhabri kab suna rahi ho?” becomes the well-worn hat. Her day begins with this questions and ends with the same. Can this ever-growing disease be cured? No. People just can’t stop. They simply won’t. But one can change the way they respond to such questions. Again, communication is the key. The couple needs to be open in communication regarding this very basic question. It even becomes more important for the wife to discuss with her husband about the way she responds to such questions in his absence, especially when this question comes from the Susralis. It is better to subtly ignore responding to such repeated questions that invade one’s personal space. But when the time comes, it is better for the husband to clearly communicate his plans about having kids to his family. Not because they do not have any say in the couple’s decisions, but because it is the couple’s personal matter. Having kids brings changes to the couple’s life. From deciding about movie nights to babysitting, everything changes.
Like it or not, I haven’t seen any Bahu who has not faced issues at Susral that are mainly the gift of her very own Susralis. Despite the fact that they are not on the troublemaking side, one must bear in mind that husbands love their families and expect peace and love to prevail in their absence. Not letting Susrali issues affect one’s marital relationship is very critical, especially in the early days of marriage. In the same manner, keeping your calm and not letting your kids affected by discomfort and stress that one goes through is another challenge.
To maintain your sanity, remember that one should not take things personally. It is a matter of your present and future. Learn to ignore. When at times ‘ignoring’ works wonders, there are also times when it doesn’t. Solution? Draw the boundaries ahead of time – sooner the better. Another way to tackle Susrali behavior is to be proactive and bring some changes to one’s own behavior; pleasing everyone and seeking Susral’s approval is one of that must-change behavior. Being aggressive is not good, but being assertive becomes an essential trait one must develop to survive in Susral. And then comes communication that must be done wisely. Another tip for dealing with Susralis is to develop patience, learning to let go of the resentment and take them as they are. Trying to change someone only results in disappointment. However, where Susralis do get labelled as troublemakers, some Bahus should also remember that creating fuss and then at the reaction portraying to be the victims only causes major fights. Nurturing hatred or getting involved in political games only destroys your sanity.
Cooking, cleaning, laundry, work, kids; all these responsibilities can take a toll on the newlywed Bahu’s health and then waiting for the husband to come back from office and that too late in the evening doesn’t bring smile on any wife’s face. The husband and wife must keep their relation above everything else. Spending time together is the most important thing that can make or break a relationship. Planning dinners, outings, picnics and movie nights not only bring some change in one’s life, but also gives the couple an opportunity to build their relationship. When it comes to balancing the Susralis and time spent with the spouse, setting the routine is the key to success. When the Susralis know that the Bahu has a schedule and Bahu and Beta are not available round the clock, which one can show by following their routines, the message is silently communicated. Yes, one should spend time with the family and offer support, but setting priorities and communication with actions don’t require a lot of work.
Remember some conversations can be tough, but it is good to discuss your goals, priorities and ambitions with your partner and reach an agreement. As much as it is important to share your views with your partner, it is important to listen to your husband and Susralis with an open ear and heart. Listen to them with patience, understand their points of view. May your life at Susral becomes as simple as we want it to be.