Anonymous Bahu #02 Vents Out (26-07-2020)
I want to share my married life story, as well as I want suggestions for what to do in this situation.
At the time of the marriage proposal:
Mera rishta aya jo ke meri tayi ke reference se aya tha. The larkay wale came to meet us as I was according to their choice, but my husband said ke “Larki bohat chhoti hai.”
They owned a house, as per inquiry they were having their own business. When my cousin inquired, he said, “He is a nice guy. Bohat decent hai, namazi hai, ijtemah mai jata hai, deendar hai.” But suddenly they started keeping a distance so it seemed that they were not interested…
One year later they again tried to reach us and said, “We want our son to get married to your daughter because after finding her, we didn’t like any other girl.” The reason behind this marriage for them was just that my MIL is an arthritis patient and she was not supposed to manage the house.
My husband has three sisters and a brother. They all are married. Things were very well but what comes next is that my husband was jobless. He was all dependent on his father and his father told us “My son is involved in my business and after marriage, I am going to set up a business for him and he is going to own that business.”
I was twenty years at that time. I was badly sick because of some hormonal imbalance as well as I have anxiety and depression issues. I was under treatment. We hid it and I had faith that might be my condition would improve later on after I get married.
We got engaged.
Situation after engagement:
My now fiance used to talk to me, but he tried to probe if was having an affair or if I was involved with someone. I told him, “I have a friend circle, etc. but I was not in a relationship with anyone.”
After getting somewhat frank he started asking me some vulgar questions which made me skeptical about him. I informed my parents about these problems. I want to add one thing that he tried to tell me a part of his life which showed that something was fishy, but then his family stopped him and asked him not to share anything with me.
When all these things happened, my family decided to end this engagement but I was really upset with this and denied ending this engagement by saying that I’d be going to change him with love and respect and we have got married within three months.
On my nikkah day, my condition got worse. I was controlling myself but things were getting messy and somehow I got married. My condition was hidden not revealed to them as I had been pushing myself to be ok as I used to take some medicines as well.
But little did I know that the person I was going to marry, was mentally ill.
He got suspicious and started doubting me and he asked me after engagement that if I was a virgin or not, and that he should know about that. So from the first night, he started doubting me.
On valima, his maami came to us on the stage and said, “Kuch din ki chandni hai, phir kali raat hai.”
And my husband mixed that with our first night that maybe his maami knew something fishy about me…
As I had a change of environment and had been eating different things, I felt nauseous, and just after 10 days, sub ne shor macha dia especially my MIL, that I got pregnant. When my husband heard that, he was shocked and asked me if I was pregnant before marriage! These words broke me down into pieces. I told this to my mother and then his family made him realize his mistakes so he apologized to me.
From the beginning when my SIL came to meet us, they all would tell me, “Iss pe zimedaari dalo. Ask him to do a job.” They would pressurize me and when I would say these things to my husband, he would angry with me; we would fight and gradually I was getting financially disturbed as well.
As I have mentioned that I was going through some hormonal problems I thought it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. I had to go through a checkup to find out if everything was ok. We have fought for this reason too. My husband would say, “Why are you trying to conceive? I am not stable and not ready for the baby.”
Pregnancy and Delivery:
I was fearful. I was being tortured by my in-laws. “Hum khushiyan daikhna chahte hain. Ye tou koi kaam nai kar raha. Iss ko samjhao.” I had decided that we would have a baby and would see what happens next.
After three months, I got pregnant. I was really glad, but my husband tore me into pieces by saying, “Tum koi duniya se nirali maa nai bn rahi. I don’t have a conveyance.”
My father gifted a motorbike to my husband. I used to commute from Johar to North on a bike throughout my pregnancy for my checkups, and my husband used to ride the bike unsafely. We also fought about financial issues. He would say, “Tumhari Dr. pagal bana rahi hai. Itne test kaun karwata hai? Ye kyoon, woh kyoon.” I was in depression and my health just got worse during pregnancy.
Then my saas would say, “Pehla bachcha naniyal ka hota hai.” My mother provided everything for my baby.
By the end of eight month, my MIL started saying, “Jharu pocha karo.” My husband was torturing me by saying, “Normal delivery honi chahye.”
I would feel sick and nauseous, would puke every now and then. My baby’s weight was also less. Consultation with a psychiatrist, medicines, household chores, and taunts – I was exhausted and the day I swept the house floor, I spent my night at the hospital.
Eventually I ended up having a cesarean.
My baby was weak. He wasn’t in good condition. Had severe jaundice. I would listen to things like, “Tumhari dawaon se hua hai.” No one understood that my consultant had said that those medicines were safe. I was not able to take a proper diet throughout my pregnancy and whatever happened was the consequence of this.
Financial and emotional crisis:
Halaat bht bigar gaye. Roz ki laraiyan. husband 24/7 saath. Baby pe laraee. Koi nai daikhta tha. Akele sub handle karna aur financial issues.
FIL apni marzi se kharcha dete. Haal bura hogaya. After that my MIL got injured. I had to look after her for three months and that too with a four-month-old baby.
I would change her diapers. Would shower her. I did all the stuff, but they were on the same path. I was begging my husband and father in law for everything. And it was all up to them. Whatever they wanted to give, I had to accept it. I had to compromise on it.
We would also fight for diapers for our baby.
Husband’s shakki nature:
Here, my husband’s suspicious nature and doubts continued. “Tumhare cousins kyoon aye? Iss se baat kyoon ki? Uss se baat kyoon ki?” He didn’t stop. “Mama ke ghar nahi jaogi. Apne ghar ko daikho. Ye tumhari asal jagah hai. Mama ke ghar kaun aya tha? Mama ke ghar se aa ke kyoon naha rahi ho? Kaun milnay aata hai tumse wahan?”
He was watching me how I cooked. How I cleaned the kitchen. How many times I went to the washroom. “Mobile mat use kia karo. Mama se kum bat kia karo.”
He doubted me in every way he could, even he said that this baby did not belong to him and that I had zina.
On the verge of divorce:
I filed a khula case, but he came and started begging that if I could give him a chance, he was going to change himself. He was going to do a job and wouldn’t doubt me again. But he did the same.
It was the third time, he is still the same – not doing anything, just blame me. When I was coming to my mom’s house, he shouted at me and my parents and misbehaved with my father. He shouted by calling my name; in the street where my mother’s house is. He used to lie down on our feet begging for the last chance. As I have already done this and there is still one sentence, “Tum ghar aajao, jo bologi karunga.”
But ab dil nahi maan raha. In-laws ne bhi bohat insult kia hai. Ghr se nai nikala, mara peeta nahi, lekn pareshan bohat kardia or abhi bhi husband ko job isi lye karwana chahti hoon ke wo apni zimedari samjhen. Apne father pe depend na hon aur doubts chhor dain. Ab himmat nahi hai ilzaam sehne ki.
My husband is still jobless and is totally dependent on his father. I have a 2.5 year-old son and this is the 4th year of our marriage. I am at my father’s place now and my husband is still not doing anything, saying that my FIL will take the responsibility of my expenses and that he doesn’t want to beg in front of them.
I want to end this relationship, but whenever I take a look at my baby’s face I just can’t describe how I control myself. There is much more to tell, but I don’t want to.
Kindly give me a suggestion what should I do? Is there anything left between us? I need a counselor.
Published by SS Editorial Staff on behalf of an anonymous author